I like many others struggle with depression and every year without fail I find my self spiralling downward in the run up to and indeed during the holiday period, for me the triggers are quiet obvious, I never really enjoyed Christmas as a child, so have always tried to avoid it since, and not being close to my family Christmas is the time when that separation is felt the most, and I tend to dwell on what I might be missing, or what could have been, instead of focusing on all the amazing things I have in my life now.
I know for others the christmas holidays can be a lonely time, a good friend of mine suffers badly this time of year mostly because he alone, having lost his parents and now living alone the holiday become a time of isolation as friends are busy with their families. I have had several phone calls this year and had to try and put aside my own ill feeling towards thew holiday period to go and meet up with them and just go for a walk or garb some lunch etc, just to let them know they are not alone.
I past years I have regularly hosted Christmas dinners for friends that were on their own, I guess most of them never realised I hated every minute of it and really didn’t want to do it, but like many others that suffer from depression I put on my mask and got on with it for the sake of the group.
I always wind up putting a brave face on for Christmas especially for my wife, and to be honest for me the highlight is picking out presents for our nieces and nephews, I don’t see or hear from my own family anymore so it’s all about my wife’s family over in Poland, and we are planning on going over there next year to be with them something that fills me with half dread and half excitement, I am really unsure if I will cope mentally with being in that environment for that length of time when all I usually want to do is crawl under a stone and hide for 2 weeks.
I honestly feel like alot of my own issues stem from a feeling of being required to be happy, is kind of expected isn’t it, after all ’tis the season to be Jolly’ but for me it isn’t its a season of sadness and reflection, of thinking about loved ones that are missed, family that should be together but isn’t, often leaving me thinking what could be if we could patch things up and then talking myself down, it’s been 15 years no one is going to be interested or want to know.
I did try sending a hamper and a card to my parents one year, but never heard anything back, I guess that confirmed my suspicions and since then I have stopped trying, but it doesn’t stop me thinking about it, even wondering if they are having the same thought, but it’s too late for wondering now, there is far too much water under that bridge.
But whatever the triggers are Christmas is a time when you have to look after your friends, look for the signs and for fucks sake pick up the phone when you get that random late night or early morning phone call from a friend even if it’s someone you rarely speak to, because you could just be the last person they ring. Christmas is a time for looking out for others, and please if you need to talk at Christmas then reach out, don’t sit alone in the dark.
Just spare a thought this year, in amongst your celebrations and maybe pick up the phone, to someone who you know is alone, you never know what difference that call could make.
